Top 5 Fighters Most Likely to Survive a Nuclear Apocalypse

You read that right, fans and friends. You thought it was a one-and-done with my “Top 5 Fighters Most Likely to Survive a Zombie Apocalypse” list? If only we were so lucky. Nay, the zombie apocalypse is not the only doomsday scenario we all must be prepared for. It’s not even the most likely. What is more likely is the thing we’ve been fearing since the 1950’s: eventually someone will get angry enough to hit that big red button, and then the nukes will reign from the sky and we’ll all be in “Fallout” and “Mad Max” territory. As before, there are several Mixed Martial Artists you should take great pains to meet up with in order to best survive your new wasteland. So here are my Top 5 Fighters Most Likely to Survive a Nuclear Apocalypse.

5. Chris Leben

Admit it: you could see Chris Leben leading a pack of raiders. Sometimes only the lawless survive in a world without law. With his iron chin, bad-boy status, and that “I’ll fight anybody” mentality of his, Chris Leben would have no problem getting together a gang of…well, he’d have no problem forming a gang. Look for Leben at a deserted highway or shopping mall near you…wearing tight leather, riding a motorcycle, carrying a shotgun, and shouting insane gibberish.

4. Clay Guida

Guida is already famous for being the closest thing to a caveman the UFC will ever see, but when the sky rains nukes, look for Guida to actually become a caveman. The decay and death of society will cause groups to go back to simpler, more primitive times: hunting and scavenging, migrating with any food source, eating their meat raw and killing it with sharpened sticks. Guida’s ability to absorb punishment would be a great advantage when trying to kill an evening meal, so look for him and his ever-growing tribe to burp, belch, fart and growl their way to a decent life even in the harshest of circumstances.

3. Yoshihiro Akiyama

Women want him. Men want to be him. None can stand up to the power of Sexyama. After both sexes turn to Sexyama in droves for comfort, look for Akiyama to establish a large harem of men and women that travel the lands seeking to comfort weary travelers and relieve them of their money. Now unquestionably the biggest pimp in the world, Akiyama would control both his hoes and his customers with an iron fist, judo-throwing non-payers to the side of the road while pimp-slapping any skank who dares question his authority. With unequaled sexiness and virtually unchallenged fighting prowess, Akiyama may end up being one of the most successful businessmen to ever set up shop amongst the wastes.

2. Georges St. Pierre

GSP seems to have the entire country of Canada on his side nowadays, so look for him to gain a sizable following once the Canadian government fails, just like all governments will fail, when the nuclear apocalypse begins. With his natural charm and intense fighting ability, I see GSP becoming King of Canada in about a month. GSP will probably have a tough time controlling his new domain, though, since the inevitable global warming will likely make livable the 80% of Canada that is currently nothing but frozen tundra, inviting a host of new fiefdoms and warring city-states. But when the time comes, I see all Canadian men and women bowing to the Riddum.

And my #1 fighter most likely to survive a Nuclear Apocalypse is…

1. Randy Couture

Everyone loves Randy Couture. Honestly, try and find someone that legitimately hates him and has a legitimate reason to. Couture is already a pretty big symbol of hope in the UFC, when the apocalypse happens, he’ll become a symbol of hope to humanity as a whole. “Captain America” will become a champion of the little people, inspiring pride and confidence in all, driving men to realize their potential, lifting civilization out of its crumbling depths and into a bright new future. Look for Couture to establish a haven that all men flock to, but only he can control. Plain and simple, Randy Couture is humanity’s savior. With him at your side, even a nuclear apocalypse doesn’t seem so bad.

So if/when the nuclear apocalypse does happen, seek out for any one of these five and you should be set. But what about you, fans and friends? Which MMA fighters do you see thriving, and not just surviving, after a nuclear holocaust?